we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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