My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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