Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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