apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
