I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
