Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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