I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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