So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
