I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
