I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
