You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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