so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
