all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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