dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
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I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
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It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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