did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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