I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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