I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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