Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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