Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
