dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
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the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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