Swine flu. Run for my life!
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was totally pumped and so was my beard