My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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