your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
