Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
