Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
