Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
