I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
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he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
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I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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