i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
