you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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