Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
