I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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