So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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