Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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