Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
