My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
