After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
