I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
