remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
