This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
