so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
