I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
