I'm gonna have a badass scar
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
