she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
