How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
