Need sex. Gaining weight.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
