guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can't turn off my feet"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
