There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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