He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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