I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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