I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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