i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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