Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
