so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
