I could make wine with my vomit
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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