A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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